Thomas L. Shaffer

This is my open letter to ESPN

To whom it may concern - I tuned in to your channel(s) to watch the ACC Tournament. I was shocked to witness what I think is the most appalling, ludicrous, and idiotic marketing in the history of the world. This goes beyond the New Coke fiasco of the 1980s. It is even worse than any local furniture company commercials that buy TV time slots. I am talking about Opera Steve.

As this atrocity is so vile and heinous, I am unable to find the right words to truly label this event. Somewhere in your marketing department, a series of paid employees green lighted Operation: Opera Steve. I have a few thoughts I’d like to express to you. Please take this as constructive criticism. Your offering is currently better than Fox Sports, but that’s not really saying much.1. If it takes someone searching the internet (no not  googling) to figure out who is making these shrieks that are on par with the sounds of the alien in Aliens, this may not be the best idea.2. Just because said “musical talent” has a MySpace page, does not in fact make them cool or accepting with your younger audience.3. Dressing up this “talent” in a basketball jersey and repeating the names of the teams playing in a microphone does not make it hip.4. Rap, Opera, and college sports do not mix. Ever. Period.5. “Opera Steve” is neither a talent nor a fad. You have to be good to be either. In summary, I will say that the commentators and production quality of the game far outweighs what the regional  viewers are forced to watch (Yes RayComm, you suck). However, the fact that I am unable to keep food down after commercial breaks does not make me enjoy your product. In the future, may I suggest sticking with current or past game highlights,  or avoiding all marketing outside of the fly-in ACC Tournament logo. Thanks,ThomasPS - please get rid of ESPN Insider. Paying for content is a joke, and your site is littered with enough advertising that you shouldn’t need this extra income.

I think every boy growing up wants to be a crime fighter. They dream of chasing bad guys and punching them with a classic POW! sound. Or maybe you were one of those weenie boys and wanted to shoot people with your web (wuss). Either way, you grew up knowing that crime was bad. Well on Wednesday I actually got my chance to dish out some vigilante justice. I’ve told this story several times now, and I figured it was good enough to blog. Who says analysts can’t start sh*t?

Around 1:30pm on Wednesday, I went over to my coworker’s cube where we were about to go celebrate another worker’s birthday. I’m talking with my buddy Kyle and two other coworkers (I’ll keep them anonymous to be safe) happen to look out the window and witness this late teen, early twenties kid walking across the parking deck beside our building. Well, we made jokes that he was going to smoke pot, considering we see people do it all the time. {sidenote: you potheads aren’t hiding from anyone by smoking on top of a parking deck or on the stairwell}. We notice this guy walking to the stairs and he’s casually looking at the cars.  We all look at each other and make comments like “that’s weird” and what not.

He proceeds to walk down the stairs, but doesn’t go past the third floor. At this point we are all looking at each  other like “WTF.” We then see him go between one of the cars, attempt to open the door, then went to the passenger side. At this time I was 98% sure he was breaking into the car, but it was really surreal. Next thing I know he pulls an object out and smashes the window. At this point, I turn to Kyle and said “let’s go get him” and told the others to call 911. I don’t think Kyle thought I was serious.

So here we both go, hauling ass through our building. I’m pretty sure we freaked out a bunch of people when it looked like I was running for my life with Kyle in close pursuit. I believe the words “Well,  Thomas finally got to Kyle” were uttered. We run down 4 flights of stairs, across the building and then out the front. I yell to the receptionist to call 911 and someone is breaking into a car. We run into 2 other coworkers (names withheld) and tell them to follow us as we run up another 3 flights of stairs.

Now, I’m going to break from this story and make a few comments. One, I am not in shape. This is by far the most excercise i’ve gotten since my 10 mile mountain bike adventure, ironically which was with Kyle. Two, there are 3 possible  “emergency” people to call when at my work - mall security, company security, and the police. Mall security is a joke, company security is a series of old retired men, and the police have nothing better to do in this town then give out driving citations. I know I said call 911, and they were called eventually, but weren’t the first ones called. Three, I am not in shape. I want to make sure that is clear. by the time I get to the car, i have ran 7 flights of steps, and about 100 yards.

We get to the car,  see the window is busted, and split up. I went down to the second floor thinking we could cover the floors and find him. I’m already sucking wind at this point when I hear someone yell. Well, I took off to the far corner where another staircase is. I then see the guy running down them and I keep up the chase. as I round the final flight of steps (I’ll call this an even 10 now ;)), I see a big ass Rambo style Survival knife on the landing, which I can only assume is his.

The guy has about a 60-70 yard start on me and he goes around Bed, Bath & Beyond. I decide to go around the other way,  walking briskly to a)catch my breath and b)not look like I’m chasing him. I get to the other side of BBB and see he is still 60 yards away and has crossed the road and railroad tracks to a little shopping mall. I see a lady walking and ask her for her cell phone to call 911.She tells me “I don’t have one.” Now, I ask you, who the hell in redmond doesn’t have a cellphone? I would have mine, except that it’s in my jacket at my office. Anyway, I cross the tracks and by this time Kyle has caught up. We split up to find the guy. I even went to a McDonald’s to find this guy. Not to go off on a tangent, but I don’t go to McDonald’s. I haven’t had McDonald’s in over 8 years and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve walked into one since. This is how bad I wanted to catch this guy.

To cut the story off, we didn’t catch him. Went back to the parking lot and the cops are there. the other two were talking with the cops and giving a description. Ended up filing a statment, and even went for a ride with one as they had a suspect in custody. Unfortunately it wasn’t him. In hindsight, we could have done things differently to catch the guy, but it’s not everyday you get into these situations. The question that always comes up is “what would you have done if you caught up to him?” My answer varies, but essentially I would have tried my best to detain him. Now, if i could do that by sitting on him then great. If I needed to spear him Goldberg style and unleash a series of hammer punches to his skull, I would have done that as well.

Kyle and I got an email from the poor lady whose car was broken into. She couldn’t figure out what was appealing to the burglar as she had the typical valuables on her (phone, wallet, laptop, etc). She thanked us and I replied that there was no need - I simply didn’t want to go to my meeting and chasing some fool was better than sitting in my cube.

If I had to put a spin on this story it would be this - don’t leave your valuables in your car, even chargers mean something appealing like a phone or GPS could be under a seat. I’d also say to possible car prowlers in the Redmond Towne Center area - Don’t think because we sit all day and play with Excel we won’t come chase down and beat your ass if you F with our S.  

I’m filing this one under humor, especially since the past 2 days my body has been sore and bones have been snap, crackle, and popping like a bowl of Rice Krispies.

Do you know friends and family who upon hearing you have a cold reply “You need to take Airborne. It fights off colds!” I always dismiss them, with my first response being “Yeah I don’t think I’m gonna put my health in the hands of a wannabe doctor who is a teacher.” My other response is that the product is nothing but snakeoil - a fizzy water that tastes bad. Well, according to this lawsuit others agree. Seems the makers of Airborne have agreed to a 23.3 million dollar settlement for false advertising. I’d just like to say to everyone I told you so!

Of course, Airborne  admits no wrong doing, even though now they advertise themselves as immune boosters and not some miracle chalk pill. If you’ve been swindled by Airborne, there will be a claim to which you can get some money back. Of course, you will still live with the fact you paid $10 to drink a nasty fizzy drink.

This is a repost from 3 years ago, a year after my childhood dog passed away. I’ve added the video i mentioned in the post - there wasn’t a YouTube back then! Miss you Duff!

It was a year ago today that I had to make one of the toughest decisions in my life. My 13 year old Border Collie, Duff, was diagnosed with lymph sarcoma, a form of cancer that attacks the lymph nodes. Well, unfortunately it was too late for surgery and chemo more than likely wouldn’t have helped. I didn’t know how much time I had, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. I spent the week waiting on him hand and foot, something I usually did anyway, only this time knowing that there was a special reason. He had everything he wanted, as I spoiled him with cheeseburgers, Dentabones, whatever I knew he liked. I even poured gravy on his food. We went for endless car rides as the week was beautiful, and he enjoyed it very much. I made sure he spent every night with me, as I tried to comfort him. His condition took a turn for the worse over the weekend, and on Sunday morning he wouldn’t eat. I sat on the floor and pleaded with him to eat. I called my friend Evan who knew of an at-home vet, who I ended up calling (my vet couldn’t be reached). I explained the situation to him, and he agreed that it would be best to put Duff down. We managed to sneak a Valium down his throat, and then we all took turns saying goodbye.

When the vet arrived, I didn’t know what to expect (I hadn’t even met him before). I was thinking this guy was just going to grab my dog, jam a needle in him, hand me a bill, and take off. We had moved outside (it was a gorgeous day), and he must of spent a half hour just talking to us - I don’t really recall what exactly, I just know he did an excellent job of calming all of us down. After explaining the process to me, he left it up to me when to let the pain end. The Valium was having its affect, so I decided to go through with it. I don’t recall what the first shot (or pill) was, but I was told it sometimes made the animals throw up. Well, wouldn’t you know it, Duff threw up. He started to wander around, and he finally began to collapse. I moved him to the front yard and let him lay.

The Vet then explained to me that the lethal injection was a barbiturate, and that there really wouldn’t be any pain. Unfortunately, because of Duff’s condition, it was hard to find a vain. I sat with Duff’s head in my lap as the injection went in. Less than a minute later, the pain had ended. A small amount of blood was dripping from his paw, and the Vet actually took the time to carefully bandage him. He then checked for a pulse, which was nowhere to be found. “It’s okay now,” the vet said softly. I stayed on the ground with him for several minutes. It’s really hard to say goodbye to someone who has been by your side for 13 years. The vet told me to get some scissors and clip some hair, something he had done when his dog died. I chose to clip the dreadlock behind his ear and a few stray hairs. The vet carefully lifted Duff up and placed him in his truck. I thanked him for being so nice. I chose to have him cremated, and got a beautiful box made for him.

You can never replace a pet, and I never try. Duff was such a huge part of my life growing up. In a family of all girls, he was the only other male companion. I can still remember picking him out at the SPCA, or when we picked him up and had to wait for him to get another bath because he decided to roll around in some poop. I can remember him chasing me around the house, the first time he jumped up on my bed, how much he loved being a parental figure to our other pets. How he loved going for car rides, or how I would make him dance forever before giving him a treat. I even made a short movie about him in college (If I had the web space I’d host it on here), or how he used to LOVE footballs, or the time he knocked out my 2nd story window screen and jumped on the roof. I can also remember the times I yelled and scolded him, or the times he comforted me in sadness. I have many memories, the good far outweighing the sad.

Yes, it was the toughest day of my life. Today was the day I lost my best friend. I love you and miss you, Duff. I hope you are enjoying an endless Dentabone in the sky.

If this commercial from 1985 doesn’t make you hop in your Yugo and pick up a King Cobra, heaven help you.

I’m sure you are sitting back asking yourself “How does Thomas handle watching sports on the left coast?” all the time. Well, I’ll tell you - I don’t. Working on 3 years out here and I still can’t figure it out. I miss games constantly. It’s not by choice either, I just can’t consistently get a day of sports in this state. I am slowing losing touch with the sporting world and I don’t believe it’s my fault. I think one of the biggest challenges I have being here is game selection.

The fact that the college sports out here (and I’m talking basketball here since it’s that time of year)are weak and boring, they (meaning those big wigs at the tv stations who chose programming) slam my tv with chumps and bums every day. I wish the studios would realize that “regional” does not equal quality or preference. But the sinister part is, they know it doesn’t. That’s why they have pay per sports, forcing us sports fans who want to catch a good round or two of peach basket games to pay out our noses. But are these paid events commercial free or feature decent broadcasters? Heck no, it’s just as much as the “free” games. I probably won’t even get the ACC Tournament because my channels will be filled with freaks and geeks trying to prove how much they don’t deserve to be in the NCAA tournament.

So yeah, I end up going to Target with the wife or taking our mutt to the park for some much needed excercise. I really have tried to get into left coast sports but it’s just not working. I’ve already talked about the college scene being weak. The Mariners are in the American League, I prefer the National. I hate the NBA, not to mention the Sonics will be gone soon enough (see you later Squatch). The only shining star is the Seahawks, but leaving at 9am to find parking for a 1pm game, having to miss the early games in order to find said parking, and the overall obnoxious and rude fans just makes the experience less than stellar.

So how does Thomas handle left coast sports? I wake up early, watch piss poor games, and rely on the internet and Sportscenter to stay on top of it all.  

I’m sure you are sitting back asking yourself “How does Thomas keep track of what the date is while at the office?” all the time. Well, I’ll tell you - I walk into the work kitchen. I can tell by the smell. Like today, I know it’s the last week of the month because it smells like an episode of Dirty Jobs in there today. Of course, I don’t get the satisfaction of cleaning out the sh*t like Mike Rowe does. The first of the week the kitchen actually smells clean since the custodial engineers come in and toss the fridge like a San Quentin cell block. I really am shocked people put their food in that germbox ever. It really is disgusting.

I’m sure my 4 U.S. fans and 38 Eastern Europe fans have many other questions. Feel free to leave a comment and maybe I’ll make a post.

SI.com - Fast and Furious
great article about the dribble drive motion offense being used by Memphis
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instead of going to school and spending thousands, read these books instead.
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Bar tricks & Magic Tricks on video !!
I love this site - great videos and tutorials on classic and new bar tricks
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settlement offer for credit card transactions done overseas.
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You know, I have come to grips with the reality that sports have been tainted for the past 10 years by steroids, HGH, and whatever other performance enhancing drugs there are. What kills me is that Congress is involved. What do they care that Barry Bonds reached the home run record by doping, or that Roger Clemens had a trainer stick a needle in his ass? Also, who outside of New England really cares about the Patriots recording practices? I don’t want sleazy politicians spoiling my sports entertainment. The Pats lost, Belichek is a punk and cheater, move on. So here are 11 (because it’s one louder) things I’d rather have Congress working on than steroids and sports.

1. Iraq: People dying or Barry Bond’s huge head. Let’s kick the patriotism up a notch.
2. Subprime fallout: Which is worse - 100’s of thousands losing their homes, or 1000 people getting buff.
3. Deficit: Unless you are going to take some sort of profit sharing from sports to offset our bills, start cutting the fat. 
4. Education: Our education system is pathetic. Why not work on finding ways to get better teachers, better salaries, and better programs instead of getting dispositions from Jose Canseco. 
5. Taxes: I don’t want my hard earned money spent on getting testimony from some roid raging personal trainer.
6. Immigration: Sure baseball welcomes illegals, but should the United States?
7. Airline Industry: How come it took me 33 hours to get from Raleigh to Seattle and I had to pay for it? Get these chumps under grand jury testimony.
8. The Real War on Drugs: Which is worse - having muscles or having no teeth? Tackle drugs like crack, coke and heroin. If Jason Giambi wants to have tiny balls and huge biceps,  best of luck to him. Last time I checked he’s not shooting people for $10 or stealing my car radio for a fix.
9. Permanent tax cuts: Supposedly I’m rich, according to the IRS. Middle class gets crushed in taxes. Don’t make us pay even more.
10. Budget: Look, I’d love to go out and buy fancy cars, clothes, and take vacations to exotic locations but I have limited funds and bills to pay. Cut out all the BS spending, get rid of these bloated programs that do nothing but suck money away from more important itmes (see #3,4, and 6), and find a way to turn us back into a economic powerhouse. 
11. Trades/Economy: Can you please work on solutions to get the US to actually produce something? I’d like to see this economy grow and actually have goods and products for other countries to buy from us.

This is just a very short list of things Congress needs to be working on instead of investigating sports. I’m tempted to write my representatives and senators and give them a piece of mind, that is if they are even in session right now. The only people that work less that the French are Congress.

it’s official, the writer’s strike is over.  According to the Wall Street Journal, an agreement was reached late Tuesday night by the Writers Guild of  America. Workers will be getting back to work as early as Wednesday, the first time since going on strike November 5 of last year. 

The biggest issues over this latest strike was around online and other new media payments to the writers. A deal was reached this past Friday, and on Monday many Guild members were already preparing to get back writing.

This is great news for us devoted television watchers, who are sick of reruns and very bad reality shows. Early winners seem  to be the Oscars which will be televised on Feb 24th and Saturday Night Live on Feb 23rd. Many shows will have new episodes as early as March.